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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Map...Wheels...Rut

As in:
Fallen off the...


Boyohboy, it's a little embarrassing how long it's been since I last blogged.  I started a new job partway through May, so initially, blogging took a back seat to my concentrating on getting settled there.  (It's been great, by the way.  I really like my new workplace, and the work is a little more varied and challenging, which is good for the ol' noggin.)

Then, I would think, "I need to blog," and I would try to think of what I wanted to say, only to be met with the sound of silence echoing in my brain.  I had nothing.

Spinning my...


Quite honestly, I still feel like I have nothing to share.  My life seems very boring.  Or maybe boring isn't the right word.  Maybe it's static.  I work, go to church, visit with friends, but nothing seems to change.  A repetition of the same images over and over with little to no variety or vitality.  It's like I feel the need to grow, but nothing is happening.  It's frustrating.


Stuck in a...

In my heart, I think the hamster-in-a-wheel feeling is a least partly due to our childlessness.  Families with children have visible markers of change present in those very children.  Life, change, growth are all part and parcel of parenthood.  But in childlessness, those markers aren't there.  And, at least in my case, I don't have anything else to promote/spark/encourage/force growth or change in my life the way a child would.  The years are speeding by, and the only thing that's really changed is that I'm a little grayer.  What's worse is that I know I've made it worse than it needs to be.

I've spent so long waiting and hoping for a child to be given to us, that I seem to have let my whole life become infertile.

I've forgotten to even try to climb out of my rut, I've been in it so long.  I want out.  I refuse to let my whole life be as barren as my body.

Guess I need to start looking for a ladder.

4 comments:

  1. Nice to see you writing again!! I will be prayin for your ladder search and efforts to experience growth in your life! Sometimes I find reading a good book or making time for prayer really makes a big difference!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up a little better.

      I'm definitely thinking prayer is going to be a key rung in my ladder; thanks for the suggestions. :)

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  2. As another childless woman, I can tell you it's so easy to let your life feel infertile. And yet, you obviously have gifts and talents to offer the world! I'm so glad to see you writing again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Caroline! I hope I can keep up with the writing. :)

      Delete

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